Relational Upgrades

We’ve got some work to do with our relationships. A relation, an association with two sides, yours and the other party’s, can be in need of an upgrade.

You can upgrade it, the other person can upgrade it.

But deep down, you know you’ll be doing the upgrade first, because that’s the work of someone like you, who helps others, and yourself, make progress.

The first upgrade is essential. The second upgrade is optional. And then there’s a third option.

—

The first upgrade is essential because there is blame in the relationship.

“They’re not doing the work they were supposed to do.”
“It’s their fault that this isn’t happening.”
“Always the same thing, they’re always like that.”

There’s a word that needs upgrading here, and that word is “they”. The upgrade: changing the word “they” to an “I”, to a “me”, to a “my”.

“I’m not happy about the work that needs to be done. I’ll have to do it.”
“It’s my fault that this isn’t happening.”
“It can’t always be like this, I’m going to have to make the change.”

Until and unless both parties can replace “they” with “I”, the relationship won’t amount to much. Dependencies on both sides, needing to be upgraded to independence on both sides.

So you start, because you decided to make your upgrade first. But this isn’t the best upgrade you can make. This relationship isn’t all about you.

—

The second upgrade is optional, but it makes the relationship flourish. It makes you flourish, it makes the other party flourish, no matter where they are in their upgrade.

There’s a word that needs upgrading again. The upgrade: changing a few of the words “I” or “me” or “my” with “our” and “we”.

“I’m not happy about the work that we need to have done. I’ll have to make sure one of us can get it done.”
“It all our fault that this isn’t happening. There’s something that isn’t working in the whole. We’ll need to find out what’s wrong.”
“It can’t always be like this, and it can’t always be my actions that solves the problem. We’ll all have to put in an extra effort.”

Here you’re not only doing your part, you’re tending to the environment where upgrades are happening. You’re extending a protective umbrella under which all can make progress: you, and the other party, over time.

But there’s a third option.

—

The third option is to not have a relationship at all. After some time has passed, if you’ve made your upgrades, but the other party can’t make their upgrades, it might be time for that third option.

The option to wind down the relationship from your end of things. To define it differently somehow. To remove those dependencies. To make the difficult choice.

That client. That partner. That friend. That family member. That customer. That third-party service. That employee. That boss.

For now.