Overthink, The Partner

The other day on Twitter, a guy mentioned that he had trouble with overthink, that his mind was often on overdrive.

I replied. I said that often you think you should think less, but instead I think we should focus on thinking better.

And so maybe your first instinct is to say: “yes, exactly, just be more rational.” In fact, one guy replied exactly with that advice.

But rational thinking misses something important.

An overactive mind isn’t being irrational. It is, however, being hyperactive and overall under-productive. Feelings flying about, reason getting stuck in a loop. That part of the mind, the overactive part, needs a partner. Not, however, a purely rational partner.

What kind of partner does an overactive mind need, if not a rational one? Let’s take the example of a marriage. In a marriage, both individuals are a mix of reason and feelings. If one spouse is the rational mind, but unable to relate in feelings, something will be off. Offputting. The rational role will have a tendency to correct, to instruct, to be unidimensional. That will cause a discomfort, a discomfort in the relationship.

So what does it mean to create a partner to the overactive mind? One way is to sit with the thoughts, and invent a second you that accompanies the first you, the overactive mind. That second you can adopt a posture of a curious researcher, of a friendly bystander, of a caring parent, or of a tender spouse, whatever works to create a bit of perspective. More importantly, whatever works to create a relationship.

That second you will work with both feelings and rational thoughts, but as in a good marriage, the second you will temper the moods, share burden, offer a good listening ear, create empathy, tell the other “it’s okay, I’m here with you.” Like in any good relationship, the second you will also challenge the first to become better.

Over time, this ability to sit with the overactive mind will give it meaning, give it a job. The part of your brain that’s overacting will be allowed to grow and sort things through.

The chaotic bit will always be there, but it’ll start to become productive, producing new insights, intuitions, and inventions. It will cease being a danger zone, and will become a necessary tool, at times a powerful tool.

The overactive mind will be back to being another productive part of your mind. A good team member. A good partner.